The comedian Jeff Allen shared a theory on Tiktok recently. He said “I believe teenagers are God’s revenge on mankind. I really do. I think one day the good Lord was looking down over his creation, and said ‘Let’s see how they like it to create someone of their own image who denies their existence’”.
I had a good laugh at that video, and even though it didn’t directly relate to my personal situation at hand, it give pause to think about kids and their learning process.
Being an old fart has given me the opportunity to learn things. Put differently, it has given me the opportunity to suffer through mistakes that would have been completely avoidable if I had only listened: Listened to my parents while they tried to prevent me from steering directly into the oncoming headlights.
“Honey, don’t touch this big white think here in the kitchen because it will burn you. Mommy cooks food on it and it gets really hot.” Yes, I was that kid. “Really Mommy?” Touch. Burn. Cry.
What is parent supposed to think at that exact moment? “I told you, you little shit head”, comes to mind, but that is not what parents are supposed to say. Maybe she should have.
I really don’t understand why I didn’t listen to the advice of elders trying to help me have a better life. Maybe I didn’t want to believe them, maybe I thought they were too old to be right, or maybe I thought I “knew better” in this situation because “it was different”.
“But I listened to you Mommy!” “NO. You “heard” me, but you didn’t listen. And you won’t understand that difference for many years – but it is going to bring you substantial pain and misery until you learn it.”
A few years passed, and I made more mistakes. Around the age of 15 I announced to my parents and relatives that I never wanted to have kids. Everyone gave me “uh-huh” and “ok” and “we will see when you are older”.
Well … I am older. I am an old boomer in fact. I’m a boomer and an old fart, depending on who you ask. I wear Dad jeans. Many decades (!) have passed since my childless proclamation and it is still true. I never fathered any children.
For the first 25 years after making the statement, I had no children by choice and wrapped protection. For the next 10 years, I had no children by Karma, as I chose to try and have children for my wife. Even with all the technological advancements in making the sperm and egg play nice outside the womb, pregnancy was never in the cards. Karma. Just like I said.
I wasn’t hurt by the inability to give my wife a child. So I’m now an old fart and an asshole. But sometimes it just goes to show you that once you have made a decision, some power is encouraging you to not change that decision.
To put it another way, I always said that just because you CAN breed, doesn’t mean you SHOULD breed. I used that argument as it referred only to me – as I felt from the age of 15 that I could not be a good parent.
How a 15-year old boy can fathom whether or not he would be a good parent, is beyond my understanding. But I knew it. I knew it wasn’t for me.
Fast forward a few years. This is where my life got confusing. Very confusing.
I travel around the world and spend time in multiple foreign countries alone. Much of that time was spent in one foreign country in particular. I’m trying to keep this story a little unspecific as, contrary to what Jesus said in John 8:32, the truth will NOT set me free. That will be my only bible reference. I promise.
During my time in that foreign country I met a family, comprised of a drug-addict mother, unknown MIA fathers, and 4 amazing kids. We met in a chance meeting in a shopping mall. I was shopping with a guy friend who knew the Mom. When they saw each other, they stopped to talk and naturally I stopped and waited for my friend.
Only two of the four kids were with the mom that day. They began to talk to me and ask questions and keep me engaged. It was strange, but very pleasant as they were friendly, happy, smiling kids who acted as if they had no worries in the world.
When my friend and the mother finished their chat, they said goodbye and I said to all that I had enjoyed meeting them, in a typical friendly manner. Both of the kids smiled, and then immediately and without warning, wrapped their arms and bodies around me and hugged me tight.
I was in shock. There was nothing wrong with what they did, but I didn’t know them or their Mom, and I was caught off guard by the immediate affection. I looked over to the Mom and my friend, who laughed, and said “they like you” and “kids can tell who the good people are”.
“The good people”? Did you miss the part of the story when I said I never wanted kids? Granted I only said that I knew I would be a terrible parent; but the truth was, I don’t like kids. I don’t like the whining, the lack of inside and outside voices, the know-it-all nature of little Googlers, the thousand other daily problems, or any of the aggravation that “good parents” tell you is the wonder of raising children.
I have set the foundation for this story, so now I will summarize before some of you reading this find yourself nodding off.
The kids convinced the mother to get my contact information from my guy friend, and then called me, asking to meet them in the mall again and have Mcdonald’s or some fast food. It was a weird request, but I was intrigued that they wanted to be around me enough to go to this effort. Yes, I knew that I would be paying, but the effort they put in got my attention.
Just for those of you who really are keeping up – the real father is not in the picture; and hasn’t been in the picture. I am not sure he did anything more than visit the mother every few years to make another baby.
I met them a few days later and fell head over heels in love with these kids. In full disclosure, my feelings might have been assisted by the fact that they were NOT my kids, and I was NOT responsible for raising them. I was just there to take them to do fun things and spend time laughing.
These kids could make a widow laugh at the funeral of her dearly departed. Don’t know what it was, but they could have you in tears begging them to stop because your cheeks hurt.
Did you catch the sentence that I was not responsible for raising them? Best laid plans of mice and men, remember? I may not have been raising them, but it became my responsibility to teach them right from wrong and teach them about having a better life for them without falling into the traps, mistakes and problems that I faced (and caused!) as a kid.
Yeah, I know. Who do I sound like? My parents. They were trying to save me from making mistakes that might have devastating effects on my life. Even if it wasn’t devastating, they were trying to keep me from making stupid mistakes that might make my life more difficult. They were telling me volumes of information to help me. Kids hear but they don’t listen. I wasn’t listening.
Fast Forward 9 Years
Over the past 9 years, that is what I have done. Although I speak to at least one of the four kids daily, I only spend time with them 4 or 5 times per year. Each time, the feeling they have and I have is no different than if I had seen them the day before.
The mother … oh, the mother.
The mother was only around a few years out of the 9. She used to pull the kids out of school and move to a different city (likely near her suppliers), and not register the kids in the new location. She did this multiple times before I was involved, causing the two oldest kids to be 3-4 years behind the kids of their age in school. The two oldest are both freshmen in High School at the ages of 17 and 19.
She stopped doing that when I became involved in the kid’s lives; and she spent many years away in different intervals. The kids were shuffled around to the grandparent’s house, and to various aunt’s houses. Sad to say, but the kids were happiest when the mom was away. Don’t ever think that kids don’t suffer from a parent using drugs.
I am finished with my background story. I told you it was long, but I wanted to present the story accurately, in an effort to help you feel what I felt.
The country that these kids live in has a culture in which having babies is revered. The population explosion is out of control, and there are more babies being made than resources to handle them. In addition, young boys attempt to get as many girls pregnant as a badge of “manhood” – the number of children they have fathered in their neighborhood or village became an indication of manliness – in other words, bragging rights.
And to those of you about to interrupt my story and ask about child support and the father helping out, and all that … save it. There is no child support. The father likely does not work. The father likely isn’t in the picture after the pregnancy. And no, there is no government support. There is no such thing as WIC, or food stamps, or any government program at all.
In fact, the father might not have been in the picture before the pregnancy. I can’t find the stats, but from experience, a SUBSTANTIAL percentage of girls get pregnant the first time they have sex, with a boy who, most likely, isn’t a bonafide “boyfriend” or person with whom they are courting. This is a fertile culture; there are studies about it on the internet which discuss the amazing fertility of the residents of this country.
In this family, there are three girls and a boy. Great-grandmother was pregnant by age 15. Grandmother was pregnant by age 15. Mother was pregnant by age 16. Do you see a trend?
They already knew through local culture about sex and babies. I didn’t have to deal with that. But they didn’t know about condoms or birth control.
For the next 7 years, I harped on the need – no, the REQUIREMENT to use a condom; as well as how to make a boy use a condom. I never said I was an angel – I explained that they had the ability to control any boy that liked them, and regardless of what they were told, if they told a boy “NO CONDOM, NO SEX”, the boy would find a 7-11 really quick.
“NO CONDOM, NO SEX” became the mantra, and it was said and discussed almost every visit I was with them. Early pregnancy is the number one cause for student dropouts. I knew that being 3-4 years behind was going to be tough, but if I could keep pregnancy off the table, I might be able to keep them in school.
They promised me they were listening and they would have no sex without condoms when it was time, because they wanted to stay in school.
They said they were LISTENING. Were they really listening, or was I just being HEARD?
I became a condom cheerleader. In their middle teens, we sat at my dining table with two bananas and multiple condoms. Contrary to what some people might think, if you don’t know what a condom is and how it works FIRST HAND, how will you know that the boy is really using it correctly?
They learned to open the package and roll the condom down the banana. I went further, and explained that when the boy was going to insert his penis into their vagina, they must reach down and feel the base of his penis: if there was no raised “ring” (the retaining ring of the condom), then the boy had slipped it off to fool them.
They told me about other girls who had talked about their boyfriends “pulling out”. I explained that young boys do not understand their penises yet, and are not capable of knowing WHEN to pull out. According to all the discussions I had read, young boys were not familiar enough with their orgasm and ejaculation to know when they were supposed to pull out.
Pulling out is a reliable method, as long as the male knows his body. What happens though, is that most men can’t pull out at the right time.
I followed that up with a story they already knew – boys lied in order to get a girl pregnant because of the culture. You will see him ejaculate on your stomach, but what you don’t know is that the first squirt happened while he was still inside of you. As soon as he can talk, he will be sure to tell you — “see, I didn’t cum inside you”, when in fact, he did. And if you get pregnant, he will tell you he pulled out (because you saw him cum on your stomach), and some other boy knocked you up – it couldn’t have been him.
I explained that the first squirt was the strongest and went the furthest. The first squirt was more than enough to get them pregnant.
The girls always told me they were LISTENING to me and that I didn’t need to worry. They understood “NO CONDOM, NO SEX”.
The oldest one reached 18 without a pregnancy, and I took my first deep breath.
The younger of the two girls will reach 18 in a few months, and I am actually surprised she didn’t get pregnant, as she ended up in a failed, but long-term relationship, involving regular sex.
Don’t ask me if I “allowed a long-term relationship at 15”. I am not her parent, and my veto rights are limited. She and I actually had a lot of problems because of this relationship, and sadly went almost a year without seeing or speaking to each other by her choice. Her mother was back from one of her drug binges during this time and accepted the relationship.
Later, she told me about the sex she was having. She skipped over the part where she had unprotected sex a few times, but 9 months after the relationship ended, she wasn’t pregnant. We started speaking again about the time she and the boy broke up. The mother took off again shortly after that.
They had vaginal intercourse four times without a condom. Yet she promises she was LISTENING to me. Only luck has kept her from being pregnant.
But my credibility was shot. I had been making the blanket statement that “if you have sex without a condom, you will get pregnant” because of all these fertile Marks. I did want to scare them, but my statement was honestly based in fact about the local culture. But the older sister knew the younger sister had sex without a condom and didn’t get pregnant. Daddy doesn’t know what he is talking about.
The oldest is now 19. She has always been blessed or cursed with large breasts, depending on your point of view. That has always garnered her an uncomfortable amount of attention. Over the past two years, she has also been gaining weight, making her chubby, but didn’t look unusual or “out of place”.
However, this last visit a month back, I told her she looked pregnant. She laughed and assured me that she wasn’t pregnant because it wasn’t possible for her to be pregnant. I accepted that at face value because she always denied having sex, even though she told me she wanted to and was looking forward to the day with someone she loved.
Another weird thing I noticed was she was eating EVERYTHING in my house. These kids love to snack, and my house is like an unlimited access 7-11. But she was putting away food like no one had been feeding her in a long time.
I let it go. I believed she had not had sex yet, because there would be no reason NOT to tell me, as we had discussed everything else that happened in her lifetime. As to the food – I wasn’t going to stop her from eating. I thought that maybe she was just making up for lost time of not being in my well-stocked pantry.
What an eye opening this is. To the best of my knowledge, there is nothing I don’t know about the oldest and her life, including dozens of things I wish I didn’t know. But even with all that, I didn’t know she was having sex.
About 12 days later, I was traveling in another country, and my morning FB message started off a little different than most.
You know I tell you all my problems and I don’t lie to you”. Just by making that statement, I wasn’t so sure anymore.
“When you jokingly asked if I was pregnant, I said no because I really didn’t know because I did not know what being pregnant felt like”. “I only found out I was pregnant because grandmother took me to the doctor.” “Yes, I told you that [boyfriend] and me did not have sex, but we did.” “I lied because I knew you would be mad at me because I didn’t use a condom”. “I didn’t think this would happen because [boyfriend] said he pulled out.” “If I had only listened to you this would not have happened.”
I felt like I had been punched in the stomach and all the air knocked out of me. I didn’t know what was worse – the fact that I couldn’t breathe, or the fact that I couldn’t see straight at that moment.
I don’t know the exact order that the feelings and emotions hit. This could have been an “Inside Out” movie moment, except there were no happy thoughts (“Joy” was no where to be seen). I definitely had blue for sadness; definitely red for anger; and maybe a little green for disgust. I knew how Riley felt. [Small “Inside Out” movie reference thrown in for fun – you should see it if you haven’t].
ANGER was first. I was so “out-of-sorts” that I didn’t know WHICH thing I should be angry at first. I was angry that we supposedly had this no-holes-barred relationship where she could tell me anything. I was also so angry that she had sex without a condom.
I had no feelings about the fact she had sex. She is an adult.
Then DISAPPOINTMENT hit. I sunk into a depression about how disappointed I was in her. For 7 years I preached about condoms and girls getting pregnant during first time intercourse. She and her sister assured me they were LISTENING.
When it came out that the younger sister had also had sex without condoms, the disappointment dove to a new low.
How could this happen?
“I didn’t think this would happen” she said. I asked her how she could say that to me. I angrily fired off that I had been telling her about this for the past 7 years. Then as I imagined earlier, my CREDIBILITY was fried, as she told me that her younger sister had sex a few times without condoms and didn’t get pregnant, because the boy pulled out. Therefore, using that as her reasoning, she would not get pregnant if her boyfriend pulled out.
I reminded her again for the thousandth time that young boys can’t control their orgasm/ejaculation, and even if they can, they lie – they want babies, because they don’t have to pay for them. I asked her angrily, “Did you listen to me when I told you “boys lie” a thousand times?” “Yes, I listened” she said. “No”, I corrected her, “you HEARD me, you didn’t listen.”
My sleeping took a nosedive. I would wake up after being asleep for a few hours, and the entire situation was already in my head – as if I was already thinking it while sleeping, and my brain woke me for more processing power.
The next emotion was a realization that I had FAILED. I had tried to teach them things, and I failed to get them to understand and accept it. I was the one doing the teaching, and if they didn’t get it, that must be on me. The same concept as if you have a terrible math teacher who can’t explain real world problems well, and you fail them on the test each week.
All the not-so-nice comments I had made in my lifetime about parents and their failures with kids hit me in the face like a brick. I felt so small at that moment.
That is when the anger returned. I was so angry that she had not listened. And then my brain found more anger – I was angry that she couldn’t tell me what she had done. The anger is the worst part, as it makes you stupid.
“So this is what my parents felt like when I didn’t listen”, I realized. Now I know why they had bouts of anger, frustration, disappointment … rinse and repeat.
The weekend after I learned the news, I was scheduled to go out of town by car. The long drive was good for me and allowed me to think about the situation and whether or not I was being reasonable in my feelings. It also gave me a chance to think about whether *I* as the old-adult, was not being there to support the adult-child.
After checking into the hotel, I went directly to this computer and starting beating on the keys.
I have been called “Daddy” for so many years that I let it confuse me. I am NOT their daddy. I am not a parent.
I’m their friend. I can help to guide them and teach them, but I am only a friend.
I do not have any right to be angry at what they do in their lives. I can be disappointed to see what choices they have made, as a friend would, but I have no right to be angry.
My head was spinnin. I thought about the younger brother and how I have openly let him know how much more handsome he would be if he kept his hair as it is in [picture A] versus how bad it looks in [picture B]. I have no right.
I am supposed to be here as a friend; a person who listens to their problems in a way that a parent can’t, and helps advise or suggest ways of handling the issues they bring to my attention.
A father? NO. I have never been a father. I didn’t punish them for not completing their school work, or for sibling fights. I didn’t take a phone away for punishment because they did not go to bed on time and were cranky in the morning. I didn’t go to the school to talk to the teachers. I was never in a position to help them with their homework, or make sure it was completed each day. I never took them to dance practice, or even saw one of their shows – as I couldn’t be in town during that time.
I was the one who took them swimming, or ice skating, or to amusement parks, or museums, or a hundred other things. I was the one who replaced broken phones.
When they were bad with me – and they were at times – I was able to make the necessary correction with a sideways turned head and a look of fire in my eyes. If that didn’t work, they were “fussed at”, and told that if they didn’t want to follow the rules of my house, they could go back to theirs the next day. The problems always cleared up immediately.
In a matter of speaking, I held the position of divorced-father who only sees the kids every other month for a short time. Divorced-dad doesn’t need to discipline on the short term and everything is a treat at Dad’s house.
But even that analogy fails, because I was NEVER their dad; there is no common blood; and I never dated the mother.
“I have been called “Daddy” for so many years that I let it confuse me. I am NOT their daddy. I am not a parent.” I lost track of who I am and what my responsibilities were.
The oldest is 5 months pregnant. She and her younger sister are living with an Aunt, while the younger two are living with the grandparents. Mother is still gone of course.
They made a promise to not get pregnant before 18. The oldest kept her promise and is 19. That is something I should have considered. The younger sister – well, all I can do is hope. She has 4 or 5 months to go before that magic age of 18 is reached.
Chatting is accomplished through Facebook. Each of the kids has a FB account, and we have a group chat (all four kids only) for times when I want to send the same information to all of them at once.
Summarizing, I told them that I forgot who I was, and I was not their father. I was not their family.
I am a friend. That is it. A good friend perhaps, but a friend nonetheless.
I apologized to the oldest, now referred to as the “pregnant one”, telling her that I had no right to be angry, or “not nice” to her. I told her that instead of being there as a friend, my feelings and emotions took over and all I could think about was ME, and what I was going through.
It was days before I calmed down enough to realize that SHE was suffering through 7 kinds of hell with the rest of her family over the pregnancy (mom is gone, of course), and I deserted U. That isn’t what a friend does. But a friend needs to realize they are a friend to be able to be there for someone.
I also apologized to the brother, and told him I had no right to talk to him about the way he cut his hair or the clothes he wore. My parents did that to me – and they WERE my parents.
In the end, a few tears lost as I realized that this old-fart wasn’t as smart – or as nice – as he thought he was. Their response from all four kids is what I expected, as they told me that I am their dad, and have been their dad since they were very little kids. The youngest two were four and six years old when I entered their lives.
And I hope they will listen. But we have already seen where that got us.
If there is no sparkle between the partners in the bed, it could be a serious issue in the relationship. These 3 ways will help you improve the intimacy between partners in the bedroom.
The first thing that must be improved in your relationship is communication. There are many partners who have not shared their sexual fantasies. Sometimes they feel that it could be really awkward if they talk about it. Many people are afraid how their partner may react or that they might be misunderstood. Even if those fantasies are not fulfilled only sharing them with your partner can spice up things between you.
Sex should be different each time. Do not stick only to the routine. Every time you have sex with your partner, 
try to do something different. When you do something different, you refresh your sex life and make your partner be curious. Try to fulfill some of your partner’s fantasies. Or maybe you can dress more provocatively, for example, being dressed up in leather or using some sex toys or a vibrator. You can try some new sex positions. If you are lack of ideas for regaining the sparkle, you can use the Internet to find some interesting sex positions or you can watch some porn to get some ideas.
If you feel comfortable, you will look even better. You can have a good sex if you feel confident about your look. You do not have to make big changes. For example, you can have a haircut, or simply a face or a head massage, or have a manicure, buy some new clothes or some make up, etc. You can do some small things that will make you feel better and more confident which will result in some great sex with your partner and a greater intimacy.
Contributed anonymously to LoveWorks.com
Feet are my thing. I never understood it growing up, but every time I changed with the guys, and they took off their socks, I found myself staring at their feet. It was weird! I wanted to grab their feet, and smell them and lick them clean. Yes, I almost went to the “My name is Dave, and I’m a foot lover” sessions.
Over the years, I have had the opportunity to partake in my particular “interest”. The desire also died down to the point to where I was ho-hum about servicing a fine pair of feet and toes. Even the most die-hard foot lover gets bored and I needed to find something to regenerate my interest.
On my first trip to Thailand, a friend wanted to go and watch “Sepak Takraw”, which I didn’t even know what it was at the time. I learned that it mean “kick ball”, but was a little more detailed than that; imagine playing volleyball with a smaller ball and ONLY your feet.
I’m sure you caught the last part where I mentioned feet. Until you have never seen a extremely toned Thai guy spike a wicker ball over a net with his foot — while upside down — you just can’t appreciate Takraw — OR the concept of being a foot lover!
Of course, in the real games, the players are wearing shoes and socks, but when you get away from the takraw tournaments, you will find boys playing with bare feet. That is when I get my camera out and take a few pictures.
Thailand is a unique culture rich in both heritage and juxtapositions. There is paid sex available at most bars and gogos all over the country which is illegal but tolerated.
Although I am a boy foot lover, my friend is straight and told me that the girls he was with, would die to have their feet massaged, after working an entire shift in high heels!
Thailand is an interesting lesson in dichotomy of so many types. Feet, even when washed clean, are considered “dirty”. It is considered a high-degree of rudeness to “point” with your feet, or have your feet “pointed at” a Thai.
I was once sitting on a bench at the Jomptien Market among a crowded group of mostly Thais. I crossed my legs, with my foot sticking OUT rather than DOWN, which in effect, was “pointing” at an elderly Thai man. He let loose a barrage of words in Thai, of which I understood nothing. A thai lady whispered to me in English why the man was so angry. I was “pointing” with my feet. I uncrossed my legs.
Then you have the sale of sextoys, which is illegal and violators are aggressively pursued by the authorities. One lady had a small shop and kept paying the fine each time she was raided. On the third and final raid, they explained that the next time was NO fine. It was years in prison. She didn’t open her sextoy shop again.
Because of the restrictions, what is sold are garbage quality toys that can be sold for the cheapest price. You will see them at times on street vendor carts — and the boxes look so old and faded that I can’t imagine who would buy them.
Condoms and lubes are sold in every 7-11 and Family Mart on the front counter, and Thailand has become a strict condom nation.
It is a country that respects “open sexuality“; where anyone can be anything; bisexuality, transgender, gay, lesbian — are all accepted orientations. It is a country that accepts three genders — male, female and “third” or “LadyBoy”.
You can find your preferences in Thailand, such as being a foot lover … just don’t bring or buy sex toys and you will be fine!
"Does First Anal Sex Hurt?" is one of the most "googled" sex questions on the net, so we decided to ask Madame Red for her response, as well as any helpful tips she could contribute
MADAME RED REPLIES:
"It really depends, each experience is different. Most people complaint that first anal sex hurt for them, but my general opinion is no, especially with the 3 important things.
1- Lubrication- Your anus does not produce lubrication the way a vagina does, so extra is always needed. Lubrication eliminates uncomfortable friction, and protects the sensitive anal walls. Read the posts here on LoveWorks about anal lubes to choose, and about using anal beads.
2- Stimulation- No matter what you see in Pornhub, 99% of the time you cannot just walk up and put it in someone’s butt. (if you’re able to do this, kudos, I’m not judging. Go you!) Sexual stimulation long prior to the back door entry, will help relax muscles in the pelvic region and you’ll be more open to things going on. (or in if you want to be literal)
3- Consent- When I say open to, I am meaning wanting to. You genuinely have to want to be present in this experience, not just doing out of pressure from a partner. As a friend once told me “Nobody knows a liar like your asshole.”
If you begin this process and at any point feel like you don’t want to continue, its best to stop. Just because you agreed to any sexual act does not mean you have to continue with it if you feel you’re uncomfortable. First anal sex takes patience, time and comfort with your partner.
If you are tense and unaccepting of this form of penetration, it is likely your first anal sex will be painful. So take things slow, there is no rush in pleasure, get to know that part of your body better. Amazing orgasms are to be had! Good Luck!"
I have compared my thoughts during sex with some of my friends and what they think about and what I think about during sex is completely different. But I have only asked guys, none of the girls I know would probably give me the real truth about their thoughts during sex!
I NEVER think of the girl of the girl I'm with. I need all the help I can to come (I wish I could cum fast like my friends "complain" about) so I'm always thinking about some other girl; maybe someone I got with already or maybe someone that is just so hot that the thought of being with her really does it for me. Its embarrassing, but the nastier the thoughts, the better chance I will have of making an orgasm.
All my guy friends say that their thoughts during sex are about NON sexual stuff because they are trying not to cum. One buddy said he thinks about the work he wants to do on his car, and another said he thinks about the WOW game he plays. One of my buddies laughed at my thoughts during sex and said that if he did that he would cum before he got started.
So what do other people think about – guys or girls, it doesn't matter. Are they always thinking about the person they are having sex with, like it says in all the romantic suggestion books?
—– Tom from Dallas
To: Principal Pamela Amling, Trinity Lutheran, Racine
To: Pastor (or Reverend) David Gehne, Trinity Lutheran, Racine
THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
LoveWorks has been in the sexual wellness business for more than 25 years. We continue to see the names and the descriptions of the products we sell and their acceptance become more and more mainstream, appearing in every major national and local publication.
Twenty-five years ago, the word “sextoy” or “dildo” would NEVER be front page on any news media worth talking about. But things have changed.
And things have changed because of people like you. Your need for sexual repression has taken on new levels by confusing a child calming water toy with a sextoy — and suspending a 12 year old girl in the process. I’m sure right now you are feeling the sting of social media and the rest of the traditional news media. How many calls for interviews did you get by the way?
Now the unfortunate student, and all her friends — and I assume, every student at Trinity Lutheran School of Racine — now knows what a sextoy is. They now know what a sextoy does. And they know that it isn’t okay with the Lutheran agenda. And they will never forget that they learned about a sextoy and a dildo from the principal of their religious school.
And now when you search google for Trinity Lutheran School of Racine, you are presented with stories of sextoys.
We don’t sell or market to children. But what you have done for us is to teach the parents of these children and millions of others about the products we sell – because this story is now in the households of parents around the world — BECAUSE OF YOU.
In the confrontation that occurred at the basketball game, it was made clear to the mother what these “dildos” were. Unfortunately, her first language wasn’t English, and it took even more effort for you to teach her what a dildo was. Good job, by the way!
Oh, and yes — it was a confrontation. The POLICE were called!
We hold private age-restricted classes to teach women what a sextoy is; and what a dildo is; and what the products are used for. You held a class in public, attended by parents who would likely not attend our classes to learn about sexual pleasure. And you held class in front of their kids. I wonder how they feel about that?
And for that, our hats off to you. We thank you from the bottom of our hearts.
Most Sincerely,
(not the only one teaching sexual expression and the acceptance of sextoys)
PS: We still agree with the father that you should both be fired.
I’m planning to post this in the “chatty nonsense” section rather than sex in the news … only beause I don’t have a section where I can talk about how we have lost our f*&king minds as a country.
We allow others with warped views to control what we see, say, think or do. And it doesn’t seem like those who are against this control can — or will — say anything.
Take the story of 12-year-old Francis Habeck. She was humiliated and shamed by the principal and others of Trinity Lutheran Church and School, and accused of selling a sextoy. Oh, and she was suspended from school!
So the 12-year-old asked what any child would ask when accused of something they don’t understand: WHAT IS A SEXTOY?
Search google for “sextoy girl”. Guess what the top 10 replies are? Yep. 12-year-old and known as the sextoy girl. Thanks Lutheran Church School!
Francis was selling a 5-7″ long tube, commonly called a “water snake”. It has been used to keep kids calm and focused, by allowing them to use some of their uncontrolled energy to squeeze the calming toy.
They are also known as “wigglies” and “water-filled stress toys”.
From Amazon:
“My 8yo daughter has ADHD and Autism so I bought this for her to take to school to help ease her through her sensory challenges. She loved it.” and“It’s great. My daughter loves it. It keeps her entertained in school to focus better.”
Francis obtained permission from her teacher to sell the items at the school between classes. In a press release, Rev. David Gehne disputes that the child had permission and states the opposite “NO permission was given for toys to be in school under any circimstances”.
QUOTE:
Habeck said his daughter first discovered the water snake at her Sunday school, where it was used to calm an autistic boy who was agitated. He said she bought a box and got permission from her homeroom teacher to sell them at school.
Rev Gehne also adds that the problem arose because of parents and others complaining about the “sexual overtones” of the toys. [Sexual overtones? Obviously someone is suffering from sexual repression when a toy designed to calm children with too much energy has “sexual overtones”]. (his statement is here: http://www.tmj4.com/news/local-news/racine-school-disputes-sex-toy-story-claims-students-sexualized-water-snake-wigglies)
Are you kidding? A water filled squeeze toy used to calm children has sexual overtones? Oh wait, this is the Lutheran Church School, I almost forgot who I was talking about.
As you read further into this nightmare, you find that School Principal Pamela Amling search the girl’s locker and found the toys.
The toys, manufactured under the brand “Dillys”. And it appears the sexually frustrated principal interpreted that to be “dildos”.
Francis’ dad says:
“Amling [the principal] appears to have interpreted “Dillys” or “Dyllies” [the correct brand spelling is in question] to mean dildos, or penis-shaped sex toys, and that his daughter and her friends had no knowledge of the word.”
The principal accused the 12-year-old of selling a sextoy in front of her entire basketball team and other parents attending the game. The basketbal coach corroborated what happenend at the game between the principal and the student. Other teachers however, are afraid to step forward for fear of contradicting the principal.
The father is pissed — and he should be. He sent his children to a Lutheran school — and what did they learn? WHAT IS A SEXTOY!
DAD’S ANGER:
“In your wildest imaginations, no adult could possibly view this as a sex toy, this is a water-filled bag.“The spirituality of that place is busted!” “Something’s got to change there”.
“My prayer remains that this school, the leaders at this school, repent,” Milt Habeck said.”
Of course, they all need to quit or be fired.
Now, I doubt the family wants LoveWorks to get involved, but here is my offer. Tell me how many snakes were seized and how much Francis lost because of it and I’ll send a personal check to cover her loss. And I challenge other stores to do the same.
I searched for the original “vindicate Francis” blog entry and could not find it. Maybe someone can add it to the comments if they find it because I wasn’t successful.
So like I said when I started this post: As a country we have lost our f*(king minds. 🙁
Having sex should be an enjoyable experience for both women and men, but all condoms get in the way of having a best time; and this can truly put a damper on the experience. Many men experience loss of sensitivity and other worries when using a condom.
Why you need condoms
The primary thing you need to remember is that all condoms not only save you from unwanted pregnancies but also from sexually transmitted infections and diseases, so they are vital. Even if your sexual partner is on contraceptives, you still want to use security against catching something especially if you have just met them.
Removing condoms from your life
If she is not on some type of birth control, then you may want to consider this. There are a multitude of choices accessible, not just the contraceptive pill. The IUD is a gadget which is inserted into the uterus and gives contraception for at least 5 years without having to do anything. Research your choices with her and get condoms out of your life.
If you need to use them
Here are some tips:
Pick your type of condom carefully
You can purchase thinner condoms which are specially made to stop loss of sensation.
Watch out because thinner condoms can break more simply, so you may need to check on it or go a more gently.
If you don’t like condoms because they provide you hives or a rash, make you dizzy or itchy, then it is most likely because you are allergic to latex.
Include texture – some condoms come studded, ribbed and even veined to include more sensation for both of you.
Get your sizing perfect – All condoms aren’t created equal. Don’t go for the biggest size in the store just to impress the checkout lady. There is a possibility it could fall off during sex. Also, if you get one that is too pretty or just snug, it could split while you are inside her. The best way is to purchase a few options and view which ones fit best.
Get her to wear one – Definitely there are condoms for her, made of Polyutherane which she can add hours before sex. But, if she does not do this correctly, she could end up being pregnant or getting a problem.
Understanding the types of materials
Polyutherane (such as Avanti Polyurethane or Trojan Supra) – this can be best for getting some sensation back because the stuff heats up with body heat.
Latex (rubber) – can cause allergic feedbacks, protect against pregnancy and STD, but like most contraception, not one hundred percent.
Lambskin – can be costly and do not protect against STD, including HIV.
Polyisoprene – non-latex and super soft so it stretches with you and improves sensations
You are not alone in the condom battle. Many men dislike wearing them, but you need to think of the objective they are serving. In most conditions, it is just not feasible to leave protection (and all condoms) out of the equation.
You need to bear in mind if condoms were not around, you might not be having sex at all. So believe yourself lucky they have been invented and try to make the experience as relax as possible by purchasing the best ones.
PS: Never dispose of condoms in the toilet unless you want to see them again.
Have you been in one of those tables with your friends for brunch and while the pies are being passed around, the conversation slowly begins to shift to very awkward topics like “dirty deeds done dirt cheap”? And yes, that is a cheap reference to the music of AC/DC, which in sexual terms, means something completely different!
Before anyone realizes, the topic is now ‘the dirty deeds: how many times we do it. One ostentatious friend mentions that he does it with his girlfriend “every day” and sometimes “twice a day”, another complains that having kids changed a lot and they barely do it “once a month” now.
While the stories are going back and forth and you haven’t figured out whether to play down your number or exaggerate because you do not know if your friends are telling the whole truth about their sex lives. Yet you secretly wonder what the ‘normal’ number of times the average couple should be doing the dirty deeds.
What is the “normal”? For real?
There is no right way to experience a satisfying sex life. Every couple ought to find out what works for them and the important thing is that they are happy.
A study done in 2015 revealed that getting laid more than one time a week did not certainly improve the sexual satisfaction of couples (in other words, more is not always good, the prescribed number for optimum satisfaction seems to be once a week).
This number doesn’t work for everyone and communication between couples is key to determine the frequency to be adopted by them.
What about age factors?
In a couple’s sex life, age can play a role in deciding the number of times they perform the dirty deeds.
A 2018 study of participants who were middle-aged reported that people viewed ageing negatively as they grew older and this affected their sex life negatively. It is no surprise because a healthy libido has a lot to do with how you feel about your partner and yourself.
According to Tristan Bickman, MD, author of Whoa, Baby, “varying levels of oestrogen and testosterone can affect libido”. That said, it is evident that the sex drive can be affected physically by ageing.
She explained that men reach their peak at a different time, (in their teenage years) from women (in their 30s) in terms of hormones and libido.
Research has also shown that both men and women reach their peak when they are comfortable in their bodies and with their sexuality- which, in theory, is anytime.
Really annoying sex myths, we can finally get rid of.
Quantity is everything?
The quality of a sexual experience matters more than the number of times you have it. If your friend who claims to ‘complete the dirty deeds’ every single day or twice in a day, is treating it as an event on a to-do list, does he/she really have a better sex life than you? We disagree
Masturbation reduces sex drive?
Masturbation does not necessarily lower or reduce sex drive. It might make you a little more choosy at the bar, but that might not be a bad thing. Not only is regular masturbation safe, it is also good for you well being (provided you don’t get some serious chafing). Regular masturbation enables you to master your domain which will in turn help improve your experience with your partner. Does a better sexual experience equal an increased sex drive? Yes, we think so.
A dry spell means things have fallen apart?
Most people get scared and even feel damaged when they experience low libido for some time, but the truth is that everyone passes through phases where they do not feel like having sex. If you find yourself in that phase, you might want to spice things up in your sex life, or you can visit a doctor to find out what can be done.
Remember, stress reduces the body’s ability to get wet. If you are experience vaginal dryness and subsequent pain during intercourse, one minor purchase at your local adult shop will quickly solve your problems and return the slickness and wetness you had before.
Certain sexual preferences are “bad” or unacceptable?
Enjoy unconventional sex? Well, great! Provided you are experimenting with your partner in a healthy environment and with enthusiastic consent, you are free to try out new things and have the type of sex you desire.
Is my relationship in trouble?
The truth is that less sex does not mean that your relationship is doomed. So long as you both are communicating and trying to work through your emotional swings and physical problems together.
According to Rapini, it has to be up to a year before it can be considered a problem, especially if one of them wants sex more.
If that happens, a therapist should be employed to help get to the root of the cause of the low libido between the couple and how to improve it.
How to torch your sex drive
There are ways and toys designed to spice up your sex life if things are dampened. Here we will look at some of the strategies.
Incorporate de-stressors into your life:
Anything to remove stress from your life. Have you heard that the best sex is vacation sex? Well, you might want to start planning your next weekend vacation ASAP to get out of the regular activities. Yoga, exercises, meditation, hanging out – anything you can do to get more spontaneous.
Connect with your partner emotionally:
This goes without saying that there is more to sex than just the physical. Sex is wholistic. It pertains to your entire makeup. Human beings are sexual beings. It is meant to be enjoyed and to build a loving connection or express and already existing one. If you are buzzing in every other area of your life, you are more likely to have a better sexual experience.
Consume erotic media together:
Reading erotica or watching porn as partners can really spice things up in the bedroom. Instead of hiding to watch porn alone which most times brings a sting of shame, you can talk about and watch it as a couple.
Get your hormones checked out:
Visit your doctor if you feel your hormones are below the normal level. Stay away from medications that decrease your libido if feasible.
Show shame the door, and… kick it out!
Feeling ashamed of your body or desires is one sure sex drive killer and you must desist from it. The way we feel about ourselves has a lot to do with the level of sexual satisfaction we experience. Self-esteem is vital. Our sex drive and cravings are improved when we feel confident about our body and sexuality. If you feel worthy of sex, you will seek it often.
Ignore what your pals say, it’s all about what makes you and your partner happy. So next time you find yourself around that table and the topic of “how many times do you do the dirty deeds” is brought one, all you need do is flash a smile and wink…. They’ll get the message
A 2 minute guide to female orgasms that every woman should read.
There are four kinds of people classified, based on how they react to this headline.
A) why do we need an online guide for something that comes naturally?
B) I can always learn more!
C) Finally, someone has answers to questions I’ve felt embarrassed before to ask.
D) “Enticing topic to lure readers”
No matter where you fall, you might be surprised (in a pleasant way) to discover that there’s more things you can learn regarding female orgasms and sexual pleasures than you think you already know. That right, including you, no. 4.
These discoveries were found with Irene Fehr, a self-proclaimed sex / intimacy coach who is Denver-based.
So what are we missing?
Many adult women discovered masturbation entirely by accident, finding themselves unintentionally rubbing on something and correlating that to a “good feeling” Fehr says. She explained that they discovered how good it felt and they continued to do it. Those who did not discover it in early childhood were likely not to masturbate till their 30s.
Roughly 72% of the women between 25 and 29 revealed having masturbated within the last 90 days, according to the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior. The survey numbers decreased in age groups outside of those shown.
Why is everyone not doing more? We happen to be alive in a time where Dolly Parton discusses openly about sex toys on shows, so it has nothing to do with cultural moralism. A lot of media outlet tell advice women who don’t choose to masturbate at all or those experiencing difficulty climaxing –that all they need do is relax, set the scene right, rub where it feels the best. This results in another form of shame for “not getting it right.” Female Orgasms are not supposed to be about shame!
But according to Fehr, this is because every female is built differently. Regarding sexual pleasure, every female is aroused in a different way; some female’s clitoral nerves are closer to the top (of the skin level), so a slight rub can please them, while for other females, nerves are even deeper and or need a more firm rub. These females experience non satisfying feelings like — it feels good to touch your body and yourself, but it’s similar to touching anywhere generically on your arms and legs. It really doesn’t accomplish anything.
For others, sex toys like a vibrator do not generate the feelings necessary — so say women who do not purchase the right vibrator. They think they need an external strong stimulant from someone close or from sexually stimulating visuals like porn, to the increase the craving and the desire to climax. This is like the contrast between an extrovert and an introvert.
She explained that the solution is to begin building your sexual excitement from the inside, that way you can feel the energy anytime and you are not dependent on your partner.
Learn to experience yourself and be happy.
It does not matter whether you are an introvert or a sexual extrovert, this anatomy course is for you. The scope of this course has to do with learning about your sex organs and “female parts” and you will encounter fewer textbook diagrams (no crime sounding like we are in a classroom).
For regular self-strokers, this entails keeping away your precious sex toys and using your natural tools. You might want to add a mirror as well. Take your time, prepare your scene. This might feel strange to you, but the good tunes and scented candle will get you rolling.
You have to take your mind off reaching orgasm and focus on feeling good. Experiment while looking closely at your clitoris and labia, find out what makes you feel good and relish the pleasure. Notice how the sensation is being altered as you explore. Removing the goal of orgasm and replacing it with a pleasurable experience is helpful. This will help you when having partnered experience.
There are different kinds of female orgasms to have. Experience them all.
There is no one path for female orgasms. Not every woman has orgasm through clitoral or vaginal stimulation, some reach climax through slow massage-like deep thrusting and cervical orgasms. Others can have full- body or nipple orgasms without genital stimulation. The very lucky ones can climax by touching of knees and through breathing methods etc. it depends on the individual.
If you choose to improve the ability to relish any of the above orgasm techniques, below are helpful resources.
A female-friendly sex toy shop
You may be surprised to discover the quality and quantity of knowledge those sex-toy shop employees have pertaining what gives pleasure. You’d be shocked to find out what exists. Different lube options? Be serious! These are not the same lubes you find in the big stores for a reason. You might want to visit one near you on your way back from work tomorrow.
Orgasm Meditation
There are group classes getting very popular and chances are you heard discussion on or saw it somewhere. It involves the practice of having a stranger stroke you for less than 20 minutes without trying to orgasm, but to make you feel good and to release oxytocin. Personally, I’m not sure about having strangers touch me like that, but the good news is that there are classes available online now.
Sexual coaching
If you are having difficulty orgasming or finding yourself with a low sex drive, there are coaches out there who could walk you through it, to help you find out the root cause and solution. The sessions may be face to face or maybe through various messengers.
Sex-ological Body work
Yes, as the name implies, it’s a form of massage where the patient is being touched in a sexual manner with no reciprocation required. Although other regions are finding reasons to explain that this isn’t prostitution, only California has acknowledged this as a profession for now.
Maybe, to your dismay, there is no pornography or erotica included as a technique that helps you. Fehr says that humans are complicated and quite messy and are different from those who portray it on-screen. She warns against the use of porn in place of human touch. But if you want to use it just for now, it can serve as a nice source of arousal.
If you have taken the time to read this post — you should realize that female orgasm is outstanding — and that is your pursuit. It should become your pursuit at every sexual opportunity.
“Women enjoying themselves sexually is a taboo,” Fehr explained, stating that society continues to believe women who aim to be “lascivious and desirous” will lead themselves only to problems. Well, Ladies, brace yourselves for Ogasma-geddon!