Safe Sex Doesn’t Mean Building a Penis Pipe Bomb

How to NOT avoid using a condom

There is a right way and a wrong way to perform safe sex. Apparently sex education is continuing to fail people, because there is an internet solution to safe sex that is so absurd, so bad, and so dangerous you’d be better off just going to the clinic afterward.

Apparently, some brilliant men decided the best way to prevent free-flowing semen from entering the glory hole of reproduction was to tape their hole closed.

Let that sink in. Actually, allow me to help.

Imagine you have a pipe. On one end of that pipe is a pump. On the other end of that pipe is an open exit for the contents of the pipe. You pump fluid through the pipe, out it goes. You seal off the other end, you have what is literally referred to as a pipe bomb.

Congratulations internet, you found a way to create a penis pipe bomb. Not what I would call safe sex.  Need to add that to the list of reasons I don’t fly, I guess, since you can get it through TSA.

A similar issue comes up in the orgasm denial community as well, and apparently they were so busy edging they forgot to transmit the memo. So, as a public service announcement, I am morally obligated by the powers of Johnnie Walker to inform people to stop taping their dicks closed. This is how you create a pipe bomb. With your dick. Don’t do that.

I am a hero (in my own mind)!

There, I have single-handedly saved humanity from the horrors of the internet’s rampant stupidity. Praise me as your hero, build statues in my honor, and pay off my students loans. Oh, and buy me scotch, so that I may properly bask in the glow of my victory of promoting safe sex.

These are the sort of web-based revelations that leave me increasingly concerned for the welfare of the human race. Not only are we boiling our oceans, burning our koalas, and making burgers out of vegetables, now we have people who think the idea of creating a closed valve system in the human body is a good idea.

I’m guessing they’re related to the anti-vaxxers and people who think Paul McCartney has talent as a well. Just further proof of the continual downfall of human civilization.

Well, if nothing else, such imbecility weeds itself out of the gene pool when the idiot’s dick pipe bomb exploded and make it impossible to breed with someone equally stupid enough to consider tape to be a proper contraceptive. Maybe he’ll learn after the reconstructive surgery not to try using office supplies to solve medical issues.

So, to reiterate. Office supplies are for fixing your car, not your health.

Do not tape your dick shut so you don’t blow your load in some poor women’s unsuspecting hole. It doesn’t matter how you look at it – that is NOT what is meant by safe sex. 

Either cough up the money for a condom or ask if she’s on the pill. As much as I enjoy writing about the continued stupidity of humanity, the fact I keep having to do it is really, really annoying. I could be drinking and playing video games. Stop blowing up your dicks so I can play JRPG’s in peace. Thank you.